Transcript Wizard: Hey little guy! What’s your name. Morty: I’m Morty. The lessor fiend of paper cuts on your fingertip! Wizard: Definitely chaotic evil. Morty: Come a little closer and give me your hands for a second.
Transcript Bard: Bad news. The GM is looking at my character sheet. GM: You fail your passive perception–so the street thief takes your emerald dagger. Bard: If I lose that dagger, I’m going to ragequit so hard you wont’ be able to find the top of this tabletop. GM: Turns out he has disadvantage and actually[…]
Transcript Zombie: Uhhhgn…brains! Zombie: … Zombie: Zombie need brains! Barbarian: Hey!
Transcript Barbarian: I try to grapple the dragon. GM: You probably shouldn’t try that. This is a challenge 30 legendary creature. Barbarian: Rolled a 20! I crit! GM: This is why we can never have satisfying story arcs. Wizard: I cast polymorph on the dragon.
Transcript Bard: So how do I win? Dwarf: You don’t really win. It’s sort of like collaborative storytelling. Dwarf: Just say what you would like to do and roll a d20. The GM is the narrator and referee. Bard: Cool. I’d like to win. I roll the d20.
Transcript Dwarf: Missed? Don’t I get a +2 for flanking? GM: No. That was 3.5e and 4e. In 5e flanking gives advantage and it’s completely optional. Dwarf: Which edition are we doing again? GM: 5e without flanking. With it, things like pack tactics are useless. You just miss. Dwarf: This edition sucks.
Transcript GM: Hey! No phones at the table! Bard: It’s ok. I loaded my character sheet on it and need it for rolls. Narrator: Later that night… GM: Crit again? Let me see this thing. Dice roll formula max(100d20)?!
Transcript Barbarian: What’s that?! Wizard: A frost giant. Wizard: Immune to cold. Armor class of 15. About 138 hit points. They like to throw rocks at a distance, but have multi-attack with a great axe for up close. Barbarian: You memorized the monster book? Wizard: All part of my training regimen.
Transcript Barbarian: It’s all about min/maxing, my friend. Barbarian: You don’t need useless knowledge skills or passive perception. Barbarian: Bard, are you listening? Why are you not saying anything?
Transcript Dwarf: A spider kill it! Bard: Wait! You don’t know it’s bad. Besides he’s just a little one. What harm could he do? Dwarf: You were saying… Bard: No comment.