Up The River
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Season 4: Episode 2
What happens when you put our heroes on a tiny steamboat and send them deep into the heart of a prehistoric jungle?
In this thrilling continuation of their expedition into the Lost World, the party heads up a treacherous, serpentine river with their eccentric Gnome captain and a questionable squad of STC hirelings. They’ll have to carefully manage their sanity and supplies against the unpredictable hazards of the jungle river, but the water itself might be the least of their worries!
- Prepping the Steamboat: The party boards a steamboat captained by Uncle Bjorn to head upriver into the jungle. They are accompanied by their negotiated squad of South Trading Company hirelings: Captain Iohannes, a quiet recruit named Doobie, and three soldiers all named Jim.
- Steam and Soul” River Journey The DM introduces a card-based minigame called “Steam and Soul” to simulate navigating the treacherous river. The players assign ship roles—Captain, Doctor, Engineer, and Scout—and play cards from their hands to overcome hazards while managing their limited “supply” and “soul” resources.
- River Hazards While traveling, the crew faces environmental hazards, such as floating debris that jams the paddle wheel and shallow stones scraping the ship’s keel. They also pass a chilling warning sign: crude spears stuck in the riverbank displaying humanoid skulls.
- Ludosaurus Encounter: After completing a leg of the journey, a massive Ludosaurus rises from beneath the water, lifting the back of the boat up. Instead of engaging in full combat, the party distracts the beast by magically tinkering a mechanical dragonfly and tossing it down the river.
- Dilophosaurus Attack: A Dilophosaurus spots the boat and spits acid, poisoning the party’s cleric. The party and their hirelings fight back from the boat with crossbows, magic missiles, and an Eldritch cannon, eventually killing the dinosaur when one of the characters punches it in the snout.
- Velociraptor vs. Ankylosaurus Skirmish: In a fun twist, the players temporarily take control of the monsters to play out a battle on the shoreline. One player controls an Ankylosaurus defending its territory, while the other players control an ambushing pack of Velociraptors.
- Arrival at the Caldera: The steamboat finally reaches the end of the river, arriving at the sheer basalt wall of a collapsed volcano. The party decides to send Uncle Bjorn and one of the “Jims” safely back down the river with the steamboat. The party unloads their supplies to make a short camp. As the sun sets, they look up at the steep caldera wall, noticing pitons left by previous expeditions that they will soon have to scale.
Prepping the Steamboat
The humid morning air hung heavily over the South Trading Company’s base camp, thick with the promise of the oppressive heat to come. At the edge of the cleared encampment, the dark, serpentine waters of the jungle river waited. A modest steamboat bobbed gently against the wooden dock, the vessel that would carry the capable hands deep into the untamed heart of the Lost World.
Standing on the muddy banks, Jaspers, the head of mining operations, approached the towering Goliath paladin, Cort, and the capable Captain Iohannes. Around them, the rest of the party gathered their belongings. Bang and War, the twin artificers, meticulously loaded their gear, while Ralph the orc cleric prepared his divine focuses. Simbiscuit the kobold kept a watchful eye on the sky as his summoned magical drake fluttered happily above the heavy crates. Even the warforged W00t was present, though currently powered down and secured inside a wooden crate in a hypersleep travel mode.
Jaspers looked over the motley crew and the squad of South Trading Company hirelings they had negotiated for.
“Well you’ll take care of my men I trust, more or less.” -Jaspers
With a swift gesture, Jaspers directed the men to open a nearby supply crate. Inside lay a set of heavy, wicked-looking blades. He handed the practical weapons to the party.
“Well I have these as well, these will be here for you for the jungle.” -Jaspers
Recognizing the dense foliage ahead, the party gratefully accepted the machetes. Jaspers then turned back to Cort, handing the paladin a heavily weathered map of the island. It depicted their current location on the far east side of the coast and traced the winding path of the river directly into the center of the island—a massive, collapsed volcanic caldera where the rogue wizard Knox was hiding.
Satisfied that the adventurers were as prepared as they could be, Jaspers stepped back and offered a final, solemn plea.
“Please, bring him back alive. I trust you’ll keep my men safe.” -Jaspers
At the helm of the steamboat stood Uncle Bjorn, the eccentric gnome captain, proudly surveying his newly acquired rivercraft. Despite the harrowing sea voyage they had barely survived days prior, Bjorn was full of characteristic, unwarranted confidence.
“I’m the best captain around.” -Bjorn
With the steamboat’s engine beginning to hiss and thump, Captain Iohannes turned to his chaotic, redundant squad of soldiers to organize the final loading of their twenty supply crates. Ignoring the quiet, perpetually overlooked recruit named Doobie, Iohannes barked his orders at the three identical soldiers under his command.
“Jim, Jim, Jim, sun is up, step on the ship, go, stop, stop.” -Iohannes
The Jims grumbled but quickly fell into line, hauling the heavy boxes onto the deck. Doobie quietly trudged to the back of the boat, taking his place in the stifling heat of the engine room to stoke the fires. With their provisions loaded, weapons drawn, and W00t safely stowed, the heroes cast off. The steamboat’s paddlewheel churned the dark waters, pushing them away from the safety of the palisade walls and directly into the jaws of the primeval jungle.
Steam and Soul River Journey
The steamboat pushed fiercely against the dark, serpentine current, carrying the capable hands deeper into the oppressive, sweltering heart of the Lost World. The air grew thick and sluggish, heavy with the scent of damp earth and rot. To navigate this primeval wilderness, the party realized they had to carefully manage a precarious balance: preserving their physical supplies and the ship’s steam, while fiercely guarding their own souls—their humanity and sanity in the face of the encroaching chaos.
“Going up the river is like traveling back to the earliest beginnings of the world when vegetation rioted on the earth and the biggest things were kings.” -Robert
Assigning vital roles among the crew, the party worked in tandem to survive the river’s relentless hazards. Cort, acting as the decisive captain, regularly weighed the risks of pushing the engine at full steam against cautiously drifting to conserve vital resources. When a massive tangle of floating debris suddenly jammed the paddle wheel, the towering paladin confidently barked his orders to push through.
“Full speed ahead.” -Cort
Springing into action, the South Trading Company hirelings—Jim, Jim, and Jim—managed to quickly knock the jam loose, keeping the vessel moving. Shortly after, the water level dropped treacherously, causing jagged stones to violently grind against the keel. It took the combined effort of the crew, and the perpetually ignored recruit Doobie hastily shifting his weight to the side, to scrape the steamboat safely over the hidden rocks.
However, the untamed jungle was not just a physical threat; it constantly gnawed at their minds. The sweltering humidity and total isolation began to drain the crew’s soul. While peering into the murky depths, the simple-minded Doobie was struck by a terrifying hallucination, swearing he saw his own reflection blink back at him from the dark water. Recognizing the creeping madness of the jungle, the orc cleric stepped in to heal his wavering humanity.
“As a doctor I will go consult him and let him know it’s all on his mind.” -Ralph
As the afternoon heat reached its peak, a distant, rhythmic thumping cut through the mechanical hiss of the steamboat’s engine. The sound of tribal drums echoed ominously through the dense canopy. Rounding a narrow bend in the river, the party was met with a chilling sight: a row of crude, primitive spears staked firmly into the muddy riverbank. Atop each spear sat a decaying human skull.
Seeking to understand the grim warning without bringing the ship too close to the banks, the kobold ranger quickly volunteered his magical companion.
“I’m going to send a magical drake to investigate the shadows.” -Simbiscuit
Not taking any chances with the dense jungle treeline, the STC squad captain immediately ordered his identical troops to stand ready.
“Jim, Jim, keep an eye on the shadows.” -Iohannes
The drake fluttered over the terrifying totems, confirming they were indeed human skulls mounted on primal weaponry. With their resources slowly dwindling and the unseen eyes of the jungle bearing down upon them, the party forged ahead, fully aware that the true monsters of the river had yet to show themselves.
River Hazards & Skulls
The steamboat pressed further into the suffocating, humid embrace of the Lost World. The river twisted like a dark serpent through the dense, primeval foliage, throwing unpredictable hazards at the capable hands.
Suddenly, a thick mass of floating debris tangled into the vessel’s paddle wheel, violently halting their momentum. It took the frantic, combined efforts of the South Trading Company hirelings—Jim, Jim, and Jim—to knock the jam loose and get the engine churning once more.
No sooner were they moving than the riverbed treacherously rose beneath them. The water level dropped, and the sickening sound of stone grinding against the ship’s keel echoed over the water. The boat was temporarily stuck. The solution, ironically, lay with the squad’s most ignored and simple-minded recruit, Doobie, who had been taking a nap on the supplies. By hastily shifting Doobie’s weight to the side of the deck, the ship tilted just enough to safely scrape over the hidden rocks and back into the deeper currents.
However, the relentless, sweltering heat and the oppressive isolation of the jungle were beginning to gnaw at the crew’s sanity. While staring blankly into the murky water, Doobie suffered a terrifying hallucination, convinced that his own reflection was blinking back at him from the depths. Recognizing the creeping madness that threatened the crew’s humanity, the chaotic orc cleric stepped in to offer his unique brand of medical comfort.
“As a doctor I will go consult him and let him know it’s all on his mind.” -Ralph
As they drifted into a particularly narrow bend in the river, a far more tangible threat materialized. Sticking out of the muddy riverbank were rows of crude, primal spears, each proudly displaying a decaying human skull. The grim totems stood as a silent, terrifying warning to any who dared trespass further into the interior. Refusing to steer the boat any closer to the ominous shore, the kobold ranger relied on his magical companion to scout ahead.
“I would like to send my Drake over to investigate the skulls.” -Simbiscuit
The small, winged drake fluttered over to the macabre display and telepathically confirmed the gruesome details to its master: the skulls were indeed human, mounted on primitive weaponry that suggested a savage, native presence nearby. The tension on the boat skyrocketed. Knowing that the creators of these totems might still be watching from the dense treeline, the captain of the STC hirelings immediately barked orders to his identical subordinates to stay vigilant.
“Jim, Jim, keep an eye on the shadows.” -Iohannes
With the terrifying warning of the skulls falling behind them and the unseen eyes of the jungle bearing down upon their vessel, the adventurers gripped their weapons tightly, preparing for whatever prehistoric horrors awaited them around the next bend.
Ludosaurus Encounter
The steamboat chugged steadily against the dark, serpentine river when the dark water suddenly erupted beneath them. Without warning, the ship’s paddle wheel was violently thrust entirely out of the water, spinning uselessly in the humid air. The entire back end of the vessel pitched upward with a terrifying groan of stressed wood as a colossal shape rose from the depths.
At the helm, the eccentric gnome captain, Uncle Bjorn, fought desperately to keep the ship’s wheel steady. Chaos erupted on the slanting deck as the squad of South Trading Company hirelings scrambled to keep their footing and secure the supplies. Their leader barked desperate orders to his identical men.
“Jim over to the back, Jim you go to the back! “ -Iohannes
A deafening, echoing bray shook the jungle canopy as a massive Ludosaurus fully breached the surface. The giant, aquatic dinosaur had been peacefully holding its breath on the riverbed for upwards of fifteen minutes, and the steamboat had unknowingly sailed directly over its back. Now awake and thrashing, the beast muscled its enormous shoulder into the side of the boat, pinning one of the adventurers against the wooden railing with bone-crushing force.
The chaotic orc cleric, Ralph, attempted to ward the beast away from his injured companion with a hastily cast Sanctuary spell, but the dinosaur’s raw, primal fury broke right through the divine ward.
Realizing that a full-scale battle could easily capsize their fragile vessel and send them all—including the dormant warforged W00t stowed safely in his travel crate—to a watery grave, the party needed a clever distraction. The brilliant artificer, Bang, quickly grabbed his tinker’s kit and stepped forward.
“I’m going to cast right tool for the job. “ -Bang
With lightning speed, Bang magically assembled a small, mechanical marvel from his spare parts.
“I’m going to create a bird-sized dragonfly… and I’m going to get the dinosaur’s attention with it. “ -Bang
Bang activated the whirring, metallic insect and tossed it high into the air, letting it buzz away from the ship and down the river. The Ludosaurus paused, its large eyes locking onto the glittering, flying contraption. With a final, massive splash that rocked the steamboat, the towering beast turned away from the capable hands and lumbered back down the river in pursuit of the mechanical toy.
The steamboat settled heavily back into the dark currents, battered but afloat, allowing the heroes to breathe a collective sigh of relief as they continued their treacherous journey.
Dilophosaurus Attack
The humid jungle air broke as the steamboat rounded another treacherous bend in the serpentine river. Suddenly, a colorful but deadly shape bounded out from the dense foliage. A Dilophosaurus arrived at the muddy riverbank, its head tilting curiously as it spied the wooden vessel and its wary crew.
Without warning, the creature’s neck frills violently flared outward with a terrifying hiss. It reared its head back and spat a thick glob of sizzling, noxious acid directly at the boat. The corrosive venom splashed across the deck, striking Ralph, the chaotic orc cleric, squarely in the face. The agonizing burn of the poison began to seep into his skin, threatening to cause severe damage to the party’s primary doctor.
As the beast prepared to unleash another volley of acid, the party sprang into desperate action. Simbiscuit, the nimble kobold ranger, immediately recognized the lethal danger his companion was in. Rushing to Ralph’s side, he skillfully applied a perfect medical remedy, wiping away and neutralizing the searing venom before it could spread further into the orc’s system.
Meanwhile, the rest of the capable hands and their hired mercenaries launched a coordinated counter-offensive. Iohannes barked orders to his identical subordinates, and the crossbow-wielding Jims cranked back their weapons, firing a volley of heavy bolts that pierced the dinosaur’s thick hide. From above, Simbiscuit’s magical drake dove from the sky, raking its claws fiercely across the beast.
At first, Ralph prepared to engage the monster in close combat, gripping his hand axe tightly and stepping forward.
“I am the wall that protects the… I am the wall.” -Ralph
However, realizing the frontline was getting crowded and the spitting creature was incredibly dangerous up close, the cleric wisely decided to disengage and make room for the heavier hitters. Instead, he channeled his divine magic from a safe distance to cast Toll the Dead, perfectly content to avoid another sizzling attack.
“I’m just happy I don’t have poison on my face.” -Ralph
Seeing the opening, Bang stepped to the edge of the boat. Pulling out a curious, mechanical contraption that resembled a heavy slingshot, the artificer unleashed a flurry of glowing Magic Missiles that slammed unerringly into the Dilophosaurus.
Battered, bleeding, and enraged, the beast lunged at the boat, its jaws opening wide as venom welled up in its throat for one final, desperate spit. But before it could strike, the frontline fighter Wark charged the railing. Utilizing a mysterious, magical blue glove the party had retrieved from a prior adventure in a desert pyramid, he executed a brutal and decisive maneuver.
“I want to grab that frill in one hand and punch his nose in with the other hand like super hard.” -Wark
With incredible force, Wark grabbed the creature’s flared frill with his left hand, yanking its monstrous head forward. With his right hand—clad in the heavy, mystical blue glove—he delivered a devastating, crushing uppercut directly to the dinosaur’s snout. The sickening crunch of bone echoed over the water, and the massive Dilophosaurus collapsed backward onto the muddy riverbank, instantly dead.
As the adrenaline faded, the party watched in a mixture of horror and fascination as Simbiscuit’s magical drake fluttered down to the carcass. The small dragon began to tear into the fallen beast, tearing chunks of meat from the fresh kill. When questioned about the morbid display, the kobold merely shrugged it off as a matter of pride.
“It’s more of a like a ritualistic eating thing. It’s something that we need to do as draconic descendants.” -Simbiscuit
Leaving the devoured carcass behind on the shore, Uncle Bjorn righted the ship’s wheel, and the steamboat continued its perilous journey up the dark river.
Velociraptor vs. Ankylosaurus Skirmish
The dark, serene waters of the river were abruptly shattered by the primeval brutality of the jungle. As the steamboat drifted past a sun-drenched patch of the muddy shoreline, a massive, heavily armored Ankylosaurus lumbered into view. It was a peaceful but highly territorial herbivore, content to bask in the oppressive heat. But it was not alone.
Slipping silently through the dense, leafy shadows were two cunning Velociraptors. Moving with terrifying synchronization and a telepathic pack mentality, the predators locked their unblinking eyes on the armored beast.
“I intend on pouncing, taking advantage of the impact of a twenty foot movement… because I have an unusually high intelligence for beast, I plan that.” -Kris
“My name is also Kris.” -Kris
With a sudden, explosive burst of speed, the lead raptor descended from the high ground, lunging twenty feet through the air. Its sickle claw slashed down with vicious precision, scoring a deep gash against the Ankylosaurus’s thick hide. Before the lumbering herbivore could react, the raptor followed up with a brutal bite to its neck.
Witnessing the prehistoric ambush from the safety of the steamboat, the capable hands decided to intervene. Iohannes ordered his identical mercenaries to engage, and Jim quickly raised his heavy crossbow, firing a bolt that sank deep into the closest raptor.
“The Kris that’s closest to the shore takes seven damage.” -Robert
Not wanting to be left out of the chaos, the artificer Bang grabbed a tiny, mechanical Eldritch Cannon from his pack. Winding the contraption, he hurled it over the ship’s railing like a mechanical hand grenade.
“I’m trying to put it in front of the Ankylosaurus… cone of fire.” -Bang
The tiny device landed squarely in the mud between the battling beasts and erupted, unleashing a fifteen-foot wave of scorching flames that set the damp foliage smoldering. Bang quickly followed the blast by drawing his magical slingshot, unleashing a volley of glowing Magic Missiles that unerringly slammed into the terrified raptors.
Battered by the unexpected artillery from the river and realizing their prey was heavily armored, the raptors’ morale completely broke. The cunning predators turned on their heels, opting to disengage and flee back into the safety of the dark jungle.
However, the Ankylosaurus was far from finished.
“This is my territory. They came into my territory, this is my house.” -Kris
Furious at the unprovoked attack, the massive beast charged forward. Swinging its body with terrifying momentum, the Ankylosaurus launched its heavy, clubbed tail at the retreating predator.
“I am a peaceful but highly territorial herbivore… I’m going to bash my tail, the big hammer part of my tail, right upside his head.” -Kris
The bone-crushing impact echoed over the river like a thunderclap. The heavy tail perfectly struck the fleeing Velociraptor in the skull, instantly dropping the predator with a sickening crunch. As the surviving raptor vanished into the trees, the Ankylosaurus let out a victorious roar, leaving the adventurers on the steamboat thoroughly stunned by the brutal display of jungle justice.
Arrival at the Caldera
```markdown The final obstacle of their treacherous river journey loomed ahead: the sheer, imposing basalt wall of a collapsed volcano. The river’s serpentine path ended abruptly, spilling out into a wide, dark pool of water nestled against the foot of the massive cliff. High above, a waterfall plummeted over the edge of the caldera, casting a permanent, cool mist over the basin.
As the steamboat sputtered and slowly meandered into the center of the pool, Uncle Bjorn, the eccentric gnome captain, killed the engine. The sudden silence of the jungle was deafening. He looked up at the towering rock face, then turned to the capable hands.
“Well mates, this might be the last of the journey here. Looks like you’re going to have to hoof it up from here.” -BJORN
Realizing the steamboat could go no further, the party faced a difficult decision regarding their loyal but erratic captain. Leaving Bjorn alone in the dangerous jungle basin seemed like a death sentence, but bringing him into the caldera to face the rogue wizard Knox was equally perilous.
Seeking to preserve his favorite uncle’s life, the artificer Bang tried to persuade the party to send the gnome back.
“I just think you should take all of these… these four jokers with you so that you can be safe.” -Bang
“Uncle Bejorn, I understand, but there are things that had it… that kept attacking us… you’ll be all alone.” -Bang
Recognizing the danger, the party decided the steamboat needed to return to the safety of the base camp. However, they couldn’t simply let Bjorn sail back alone; he needed an escort. The adventurers briefly considered sending the perpetually ignored recruit Doobie back with the captain but quickly realized that Doobie’s track record on the ship was far too destructive.
“Doobie is only dangerous on boats, we’re going to be even more safe, we’re going to be even more unsafe.” -Bang
“He’s a liability, we’re not on a ship anymore, he’s the one that kept trying to sink the ship.” -Wark
Ultimately, they made a sacrifice, ordering one of the identical mercenaries—Jim—to abandon the mission and travel back down the river with the gnome captain to ensure his safe return.
“Nice knowing Jim.” -Ralph
With their travel arrangements settled, the heroes and their remaining South Trading Company hirelings unloaded their heavy supply crates onto the muddy banks of the basin. As the sun rapidly set behind the towering rim of the volcano, casting long, dark shadows over the water, they prepared to make a short camp.
Looking up into the fading light, the capable hands could see a treacherous path leading straight up the sheer rock face: old, rusted pitons hammered into the basalt by previous, failed STC expeditions. They had survived the North Sea and the primeval river, but the true test of the Lost World—scaling the caldera and facing the rogue wizard Knox—was waiting for them in the morning.